Last night I was laying in bed reminiscing about the seemingly serendipitous steps that led me to this place in my life.
I retraced the steps from my first signs of being eating disordered to today and it was one of those moments where I was just speechless. You know those moments, right?
The moments when a chill runs up your spine, your heart beats faster and you’re just humbled by the journey you’ve taken.
Who’d have ever thought the girl who was terrified of her writing class because she never seemed to measure up, would make writing her career?
Who’d have ever thought the depressed young girl, so deeply engaged in her eating disordered behavior would ever stand up tall and shout from the roof-tops that self-love is the most important asset in life?
Who’d have ever thought that I’d get over the abuse of the past and emerge stronger than ever before?
Who’d have ever thought that the girl who was terrified of peers would meet people from all around the world and grow so close to them that I wouldn’t want to do without them ever again?
Who’d have ever thought?
Well, certainly not me.
Yet, when I look back, everything that happened starting from the early days of my anorexia up to this moment seems skillfully and artistically orchestrated.
Had I not liked Grey’s Anatomy and searched for podcasts, I’d have never found Lost. I’d never have gotten to know this wonderful community of Losties and maybe never gotten out of my depression. I’d have never flown to the Lost parties and never gone to BlogWorld. I’d have never taken blogging seriously, would have never written my book nor created my courses.
And I would not have survived.
So, is this serendipity or fate?
Are these steps we take, these turns in the direction of our lives just accidental, decisions we make on the fly or do we all have a destiny and things really happen for a reason?
I don’t believe in God. In the past, I’ve gone back and forth between believing and doubting and the doubt has always won. I’m not opposed to the idea, but I just can’t buy into it just yet or maybe ever.
But the question of why we’re here, why things happen the way they do has moved me for decades. And my attitude toward fate and serendipity has changed dramatically in the past few months.
As I’ve worked through my anorexia, I’ve learned to be grateful for the experiences I’ve made. I’ve learned so much about life, love, real friends and the workings of family. I’ve discovered whom I can trust, how far I can go, how strong I really am and what it takes to tear me down. I’ve tested my limits.
Sure, they’re easier ways and less risky ones to do that and I understand that. And please know that I’m not glorifiying anorexia at all. It is a horrible, destructive and deadly disorder, but if I kept holding on to the misery of these years, if I kept regretting and resenting what happened, I’d never be able to move on.
A lot of good things resulted from this time of struggle, so how could I not give it meaning and significance? I chose my anorexia for a specific reason and I was meant to rise up to the challenge of beating that beast.
The same is true for meeting my husband and eventually leaving him. Even though it hurts like hell to see this marriage fall apart, I know that it was meant to happen the way it did. We were meant to be together for a time, both rescuing each other when we were drowning in misery.
Again, I choose to believe that we were sent to each other at that specific time in our lives.
By whom? I don’t know. I really don’t.
I guess it’s what we choose to believe and how we choose to see the world. Maybe there’s a God, maybe we all have a destiny (hello, Locke!) or maybe we’re just walking this earth accidentally and make decisions randomly.
It doesn’t really matter though, as long as you choose to see meaning in everything you do and in everything that happens to you.
However, don’t just sit around waiting for life-changing events to happen, but be active, take risks, put yourself out there and see what life has to offer to you.
Don’t hide and believe that your destiny will find you. It won’t. That much I know.
You have to make it happen.
You have to have the steering wheel in your hands.
If you don’t, it doesn’t matter whether you believe in serendipity or fate, life will pass you by!
Serendipity or Fate? What’s your take on the little moments that change our lives forever?